October 7, 2012
As if awkward couldn't get worse
I find myself on the brink of insanity more often than not. If there were a program to download (an app if you will) to take away past thoughts I'd be first on the list. The more I try to move forward the more I'm reminded of where I come from.. and the lack of where I am going, or not for that matter. Bipolar is a curse I'd never wish on anyone. Each morning is a lottery of misfortune. The more you analyze it the more you get lost in the maze of chaos. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no cease and desist. There is no vacation when dealing with mental illness.. Unless you are self medicating with recreational drugs and/or substance. And they wonder why the majority of the mentally ill are addicts. Its the only way we can be around ourselves. Or others for that matter.
This whole lack of employment will forever be my crutch. I refuse to give in to the 'Man' and join the mind-numbing work force just because that's what we do.. However somewhere in the back of my cluster fuck of mind I've got the bright idea (still festering mind you) to join the Air Force. Maybe lack of motivation to start my own business (or the fear of failure), or simply the easy way out.. Not that it'd be easy; but being told what to do 24/7 is something I could see being beneficial to a mind that can't hold a thought long enough to follow through. I think this journey home may enlighten me to the possibilities of structure and talking with my uncle may sway my armed forces forecast.
I have enjoyed my time in YYC but for some reason things just aren't panning out the way I had hoped. I suppose somewhere I believe Calgary is my saving grace, however this time I have gotten in too deep. I have shit in my own backyard and I'm not proud of it. They say we make mistakes to learn from them but when you make the same mistake over and over again.. whats that.. clearly just terrible decision making... faaack.
I miss my alone time, I miss me. I have transformed into a person I hardly recognize most the time. I continue to truck through but in my opinion that's just not good enough! I want to live passionately, love enormously and have some fuckin' fun! we aren't here for long..
My rant doesn't even begin to describe the thoughts I have wandering through my 'maze' right now but it'll have to do as I'm 38424 ft above sea level.. Confined to a seat the size of a small prison cell..
There needs to be some change somewhere -- time to escape the Muskokas and find me once again *fingers crossed*. Happy Thanksgiving all
Namaste friends xo