September 12, 2012

organized chaos

I have the tools and resources to fully succeed but somehow, somewhere in my thought process there's a gap. The best way to describe it I suppose is that I am walking down a dark, back alley that gets smaller and tighter the more I walk. I have locked steel doors to either side and no possible way to enter anything. I must keep wandering down the darker now more narrow alleyway. Although, before reaching the alley altogether - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and possibilities are endless. Then it's as if this dark cloud of doubt, fear, angst, anxiety and sadness lead me to the alley where I am doomed to be trapped 'searching' for a way out forever.

The key now, is to not allow the 'dark cloud' to lead me to the 'back alley'. Sounds rather silly when it's worded that way but it's honestly the best reference I can come up with at this time. Even while I write this entry I feel the cloud coming on yet again, it can last for 10 minutes or it can last for 10 days. Because this has been happening for so long and I've sorta figured out how to recognize it now, I'd have to say this 'episode' started last night, around 7pm. Still haven't been able to nail down the trigger but it hasn't dissipated since. I have some ideas what the trigger may be.. work, finances, company around me, missing friends. Either way it's put me in this funk and I'm frustrated!

Talking with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, she informed me of a tool her counselor had introduced to her to try. She referenced the overwhelming feelings, weight of the past and sadness as a cloak. The cloak was something we chose to put on every morning along with our clothing, make up etc.. The advice was to try one morning while in the shower to try and almost literally shed the 'cloak' and to start the day as that day and that day alone. I tried this technique and it surprisingly worked, for a few days even. Today not so much. As my day goes on I am going to keep the 'cloak shedding' in my mind and hopefully it can help my funked out mood.

Hope the rest of you have a better day than I am, Namaste Friends xo

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