December 23, 2012

To leave or not to leave, that is the question...

So the consensus while in Surfers Paradise is that 98% of the travelers I talked to were expecting more. Perhaps that's the mindset that we all venture off with; is that there really is a paradise out there that is 'hidden' from the tribulations of everyday life. But in reality there truly isn't.
Paradise is an internal thing, it's all about where you find yourself the most confident and the most whole as a person. Traveling to find such a thing could take years when the entire time its been within yourself.
When talking with some British girls the harsh reality of how I felt came through them. They were over the fact that there is no work and that Australia is hot, beautiful and full of hot beach boys. They were ready to head home but had continued the struggle of living out of a suitcase in fear of what others back home would think. That admitting defeat would somehow make them weak to friends and family. When in the great scheme of things the ones that love us most just want whats best for us and if that means going back to who we know and what we know, then so be it.

I find I have hit some road block of frustrations. All of which could be manifested by the fact that I just don't feel comfortable or entitled to have a months long vacation (or even more if I keep going). I have been trying to find work but to no avail. I have also tried going to another part of the country, but also to no avail. I don't know if it's the holidays messing with my head but I'm just about ready to go home. Cold weather and all...

Namaste friends xo

"sharing is caring and caring is fun"

There comes a point in everyones lives where the bullshit just turns into white noise. The more you are told what you can and cant do the more you clash. From my experience anyways.. I can only ever talk for myself.
I have been open with everyone in my life about my mental health and the fact that I'm adopted and to some that has made relationships a lot closer and meaningful, and sadly to others its been the reason I'm no longer allowed to be apart of their lives. I am not ashamed of my past - sure sometimes I wish I didn't do some of things I did or that some of the experiences I was witness and/or victim to didn't happen. But each one of those things happened to make me who I am today - so ultimately it was meant to happen. I have lost a few really important people in the past two years and it saddens me that they couldn't ultimately love me for me. I am comfortable in my own skin, no matter what I happen to do to it that day. I have also had positive feed back in regards to being an open book. I suppose the honesty I share about my own life makes it easier for others to talk about theirs.
With losing friends I have also gained some amazing people in my life that I wouldn't exchange for anything. And have had more time to get to know those whom were already apart of my life to a deeper degree. I am so very blessed to be where I am right now, physically and mentally. Never would I have thought a year ago that I'd be able to travel independently and still have an awesome time. I was also counting down the days for the next 'big thing' and now I'm soaking up everything I can while I can.
Deep down I'd think that everyone would like to have a partner in crime to share the ups and downs with while traveling and I do to a certain degree but its also something else to be able to handle it on your own. I am going to try and stay offline for the next little while so I can fully emerge myself into the moment and culture of where I am with no distractions.
I'd have to say that I am truly happy and I guess it took me to travel to the other side of the world to fully realize that.

Namaste friends xo

December 16, 2012


The secret to life is the smell of adventure.

To whatever degree - we all are raffishly hungry for some form of abnormality. And if you're not there is something severely wrong (from personal experience anyways..).

Flying over the clouds is an incredibly liberating feeling - especially after the past couple years I've had.. That's ultimately led me here 'flying high' over the pacific. Thank you karma, Ora, 'god'.

Namaste friends xo

December 1, 2012


There is something peaceful and yet fucked up about the thought of me writing this post before I spend the next 2 days in the air and it hitting the web, with me perhaps not hitting the web again myself. Watching Cast Away definitely got me in the mood for some survival if needed during my quest to the other side of the planet. I suppose I write this 'in case' I don't make it for some bizarre reason. SOoo... to whomever is to read this and has heard of my passing somewhere, somehow lol please direct my mother to this blog. She has never seen it and if I were to pass on before her I'd like her to kinda have a view in the rear of my brain. Thanks muchly :)

And know that this just a precaution.

Namaste Friends xo

November 22, 2012


 “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”  Lao Tzu

   I have to admit I haven't really been myself over the past month. I suppose the anticipation of the travels down under are pulling at my heart strings. I don't know why I feel such anxiety over this when its all I've wanted for years, but it's definitely affecting me. I have sorta gone into robot mode. Just trucking through my time here to get it to go faster or something.. I really wish I had a job these past few weeks to keep my mind on other things, so at least I know that somewhere inside my brain I do want to work.

   Not long ago, someone who was close to me for years passed away. I hadn't seen her in over a year and never really got a chance to clear the air with her before her passing. Regret is an awful feeling. I like to think that she knew deep down that my intentions were always good and that I did love her even if I didn't agree with her beliefs or actions a lot of the time. She did the best she could as a single mom and I do admire her for that. I only wish the best for her family and loved ones. 

   With the bad news I also got a bit of good news this past week. A close friend of mine will be embarking on a enlightening journey. It couldn't have come at a better time in my opinion. Not only is it right before the mayhem of the holidays but it's also been a long wait to get here. I couldn't be more happy for him and I will be by his side every step of the way. 

   Nine days until I take off to the travels of a lifetime. Mixed feelings have set in.

   Namaste Friends xo

October 18, 2012


I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset to leave Ontario.. Mostly because I didn't get to see my parents or family as much as I would have liked. Saying good-bye was short and sweet but I definitely shed a few tears once airborne. Being home has left me with mixed emotions. I missed some key people so it was nice to catch up but I have now definitely realized that my journey to full and complete enlightenment must be a solo mission, even if I don't want it to be sometimes. Family (if you're as fortunate as me) will be there forever and will love you unconditionally, no matter what. Friends I'd like to say the same but in the past I haven't been so lucky. I do know I have a solid core of people around me, but some days I do really miss certain individuals that are no longer my friends..

As I've mentioned before in previous posts; having the support of family and friends is crucial with having mental illness or any form of disability for that matter. I feel as though the past year of progress for me wouldn't exist if it wasn't for my parents and close friends - even some people who have no idea they've made a huge impact.. Thank you!

Each day that passes, closer to my trip makes me more and more excited, anxious, curious, intrigued, etc.. I just can't wait for this journey (and my friends wedding) to happen!

Namaste friends xo

October 7, 2012

As if awkward couldn't get worse

  I find myself on the brink of insanity more often than not. If there were a program to download (an app if you will) to take away past thoughts I'd be first on the list. The more I try to move forward the more I'm reminded of where I come from.. and the lack of where I am going, or not for that matter. Bipolar is a curse I'd never wish on anyone. Each morning is a lottery of misfortune. The more you analyze it the more you get lost in the maze of chaos. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no cease and desist. There is no vacation when dealing with mental illness.. Unless you are self medicating with recreational drugs and/or substance. And they wonder why the majority of the mentally ill are addicts. Its the only way we can be around ourselves. Or others for that matter.

  This whole lack of employment will forever be my crutch. I refuse to give in to the 'Man' and join the mind-numbing work force just because that's what we do.. However somewhere in the back of my cluster fuck of mind I've got the bright idea (still festering mind you) to join the Air Force. Maybe lack of motivation to start my own business (or the fear of failure), or simply the easy way out.. Not that it'd be easy; but being told what to do 24/7 is something I could see being beneficial to a mind that can't hold a thought long enough to follow through. I think this journey home may enlighten me to the possibilities of structure and talking with my uncle may sway my armed forces forecast.

   I have enjoyed my time in YYC but for some reason things just aren't panning out the way I had hoped. I suppose somewhere I believe Calgary is my saving grace, however this time I have gotten in too deep. I have shit in my own backyard and I'm not proud of it. They say we make mistakes to learn from them but when you make the same mistake over and over again.. whats that.. clearly just terrible decision making... faaack.

   I miss my alone time, I miss me. I have transformed into a person I hardly recognize most the time. I continue to truck through but in my opinion that's just not good enough! I want to live passionately, love enormously and have some fuckin' fun! we aren't here for long..

   My rant doesn't even begin to describe the thoughts I have wandering through my 'maze' right now but it'll have to do as I'm 38424 ft above sea level.. Confined to a seat the size of a small prison cell..

   There needs to be some change somewhere -- time to escape the Muskokas and find me once again *fingers crossed*. Happy Thanksgiving all

   Namaste friends xo

September 12, 2012

organized chaos

I have the tools and resources to fully succeed but somehow, somewhere in my thought process there's a gap. The best way to describe it I suppose is that I am walking down a dark, back alley that gets smaller and tighter the more I walk. I have locked steel doors to either side and no possible way to enter anything. I must keep wandering down the darker now more narrow alleyway. Although, before reaching the alley altogether - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and possibilities are endless. Then it's as if this dark cloud of doubt, fear, angst, anxiety and sadness lead me to the alley where I am doomed to be trapped 'searching' for a way out forever.

The key now, is to not allow the 'dark cloud' to lead me to the 'back alley'. Sounds rather silly when it's worded that way but it's honestly the best reference I can come up with at this time. Even while I write this entry I feel the cloud coming on yet again, it can last for 10 minutes or it can last for 10 days. Because this has been happening for so long and I've sorta figured out how to recognize it now, I'd have to say this 'episode' started last night, around 7pm. Still haven't been able to nail down the trigger but it hasn't dissipated since. I have some ideas what the trigger may be.. work, finances, company around me, missing friends. Either way it's put me in this funk and I'm frustrated!

Talking with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, she informed me of a tool her counselor had introduced to her to try. She referenced the overwhelming feelings, weight of the past and sadness as a cloak. The cloak was something we chose to put on every morning along with our clothing, make up etc.. The advice was to try one morning while in the shower to try and almost literally shed the 'cloak' and to start the day as that day and that day alone. I tried this technique and it surprisingly worked, for a few days even. Today not so much. As my day goes on I am going to keep the 'cloak shedding' in my mind and hopefully it can help my funked out mood.

Hope the rest of you have a better day than I am, Namaste Friends xo

August 29, 2012

dancing between raindrops

  My body aches more today than it has in a long time. I haven't been able to wake up lately close to refreshed or comfortable. I'm attributing that to the constant house/bed shifts in the past few months, I sure hope my body adjusts soon - or it's only going to get much worse while backpacking. The added pain isn't helping with my moods either.. One minute I'm fine the next I'm grouchy or on the verge of tears for little to no reason. More self investigation is needed.
  Lately, I have found I am being able to turn off certain thoughts in my brain which is a huge relief. However it may be temporary, so I won't get my hopes up just yet. One thought process I've been able to dissolve almost entirely is the constant feeling of friends judging me or not being happy with me. I used to dwell on it for hours a day without being able to stop the loop. Here's hoping if I've been able to gear down this channel I may be alter the rest somehow.
  Surrounding myself with great, solid people have been key to my 'recovery' (I don't really like to use that word for mental illness, so let's go with 'transformation' for now instead). Being around children more has surprisingly helped me as well. If you know me, you know I am not a kid person - never have been and thought I never would be but as of late I have been embracing all that is love, and children ooze it. Along with kiddies, I've been trying to spend more time with animals and nature and on the whole its been doing wonders for my imagination and creativity. Even if such hasn't hit paper yet - the motive is there and that's good enough for me coach.
  In the short time I've been writing this post the rain has dissipated, the sun has come out and is dancing all over the window - as if mother nature knew I needed a happy boost :) I think I'll take this as a sign and run with it!
Namaste friends xo

August 22, 2012

Wheels in motion... to travel over the ocean

  Not sure where to start as quite a bit has changed from over a year ago. I guess I shall start with the latest as that's the most important in my eyes.. To be literal, I sit on my perch with my weapon in my hand. The internet has been a solace for me for some time, but has also crept in lately as a villain. They say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I find this equally relevant for evil.. I swear I am an optimist however challenging my own thoughts and opinions is what makes life interesting, no?
  The availability of everything and anything (yet nothing all at the same time) on the internet is dumbfounding. And I doubt I'm alone here when I find myself in a continuous loop of the same 'information'/ 'newsfeeds'/ websites etc. I need out of this box... So I decided that instead of reading about other people/ things most of the time I am going to log my own adventures, mishaps, opportunities, knowledge, dreams and experiences. I want to have an outlet to encourage other people to step outside of THEIR box and try something new too!
  If you've read any of my previous entries or are a close friend of mine you know that I struggle with mental illness and have for most of my life. I have decided to open up about this affecting my daily life; not only for me but for others who suffer from any sort of mental illness, and also for family and friends affected by it as well.
  Over the past year and half I have encountered many occasions where mental illness has been a prominent aspect of my life but absolutely not always in a negative way. I plan on logging some of my past experiences but want to focus on here and now.
  I am travelling the globe, with the wind at my back and an open heart & mind as my sail. I have so much love to give now that darkness has subsided. Namaste friends xo