organized chaos

I have the tools and resources to fully succeed but somehow, somewhere in my thought process there's a gap. The best way to describe it I suppose is that I am walking down a dark, back alley that gets smaller and tighter the more I walk. I have locked steel doors to either side and no possible way to enter anything. I must keep wandering down the darker now more narrow alleyway. Although, before reaching the alley altogether - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and possibilities are endless. Then it's as if this dark cloud of doubt, fear, angst, anxiety and sadness lead me to the alley where I am doomed to be trapped 'searching' for a way out forever.

The key now, is to not allow the 'dark cloud' to lead me to the 'back alley'. Sounds rather silly when it's worded that way but it's honestly the best reference I can come up with at this time. Even while I write this entry I feel the cloud coming on yet again, it can last for 10 minutes or it can last for 10 days. Because this has been happening for so long and I've sorta figured out how to recognize it now, I'd have to say this 'episode' started last night, around 7pm. Still haven't been able to nail down the trigger but it hasn't dissipated since. I have some ideas what the trigger may be.. work, finances, company around me, missing friends. Either way it's put me in this funk and I'm frustrated!

Talking with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, she informed me of a tool her counselor had introduced to her to try. She referenced the overwhelming feelings, weight of the past and sadness as a cloak. The cloak was something we chose to put on every morning along with our clothing, make up etc.. The advice was to try one morning while in the shower to try and almost literally shed the 'cloak' and to start the day as that day and that day alone. I tried this technique and it surprisingly worked, for a few days even. Today not so much. As my day goes on I am going to keep the 'cloak shedding' in my mind and hopefully it can help my funked out mood.

Hope the rest of you have a better day than I am, Namaste Friends xo

dancing between raindrops

  My body aches more today than it has in a long time. I haven't been able to wake up lately close to refreshed or comfortable. I'm attributing that to the constant house/bed shifts in the past few months, I sure hope my body adjusts soon - or it's only going to get much worse while backpacking. The added pain isn't helping with my moods either.. One minute I'm fine the next I'm grouchy or on the verge of tears for little to no reason. More self investigation is needed.
  Lately, I have found I am being able to turn off certain thoughts in my brain which is a huge relief. However it may be temporary, so I won't get my hopes up just yet. One thought process I've been able to dissolve almost entirely is the constant feeling of friends judging me or not being happy with me. I used to dwell on it for hours a day without being able to stop the loop. Here's hoping if I've been able to gear down this channel I may be alter the rest somehow.
  Surrounding myself with great, solid people have been key to my 'recovery' (I don't really like to use that word for mental illness, so let's go with 'transformation' for now instead). Being around children more has surprisingly helped me as well. If you know me, you know I am not a kid person - never have been and thought I never would be but as of late I have been embracing all that is love, and children ooze it. Along with kiddies, I've been trying to spend more time with animals and nature and on the whole its been doing wonders for my imagination and creativity. Even if such hasn't hit paper yet - the motive is there and that's good enough for me coach.
  In the short time I've been writing this post the rain has dissipated, the sun has come out and is dancing all over the window - as if mother nature knew I needed a happy boost :) I think I'll take this as a sign and run with it!
Namaste friends xo

Wheels in motion... to travel over the ocean

  Not sure where to start as quite a bit has changed from over a year ago. I guess I shall start with the latest as that's the most important in my eyes.. To be literal, I sit on my perch with my weapon in my hand. The internet has been a solace for me for some time, but has also crept in lately as a villain. They say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I find this equally relevant for evil.. I swear I am an optimist however challenging my own thoughts and opinions is what makes life interesting, no?
  The availability of everything and anything (yet nothing all at the same time) on the internet is dumbfounding. And I doubt I'm alone here when I find myself in a continuous loop of the same 'information'/ 'newsfeeds'/ websites etc. I need out of this box... So I decided that instead of reading about other people/ things most of the time I am going to log my own adventures, mishaps, opportunities, knowledge, dreams and experiences. I want to have an outlet to encourage other people to step outside of THEIR box and try something new too!
  If you've read any of my previous entries or are a close friend of mine you know that I struggle with mental illness and have for most of my life. I have decided to open up about this affecting my daily life; not only for me but for others who suffer from any sort of mental illness, and also for family and friends affected by it as well.
  Over the past year and half I have encountered many occasions where mental illness has been a prominent aspect of my life but absolutely not always in a negative way. I plan on logging some of my past experiences but want to focus on here and now.
  I am travelling the globe, with the wind at my back and an open heart & mind as my sail. I have so much love to give now that darkness has subsided. Namaste friends xo

Gravity

Today has been an odd day for me. Starting with the dream I had.. I was at a concert, my seats were in the nose bleeds and as I was walking to them I was pulled forward to where I was on the verge of falling towards the stage. The floor went to such a steep angle that I was holding on for dear life. I was then in some obstacle course outdoors at a swimming pool, the object of the course was to jump from kayak to kayak without falling in the water. Every time I hit kayak no.2 I couldn't stand up due to some crazy force of gravity. I'm unsure why all of my dreams lately (now that I'm thinking about it) have had some intense form of gravity, whether it being unable to stand up straight or holding on as I'm dangling in some other direction. But its rather odd..
Gravity in the dream dictionary: To feel gravity in your dream, represents the weight and pressure you feel on you. You are feeling overwhelmed. Problems, work or stress is literally weighing you down.
Kayak: To see a kayak or go kayaking in your dream, indicates that you are emotionally well balanced. You are in tune with your feelings. Alternatively, the dream means that you are succeeding through your own willpower, determination and drive.
I have definitely hit a fork in the road as of late and I am trying to figure out the best path for me now and for my future. I know I have the drive to succeed but I tend to also be my own worst enemy at times so hopefully I make the right choices...

I think that's all for now. Just feelin' a bit off today I guess.

(Dream info from: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/g.htm)

Almost the end of the this crazy March madness.. I'm not sure why but this year it has taken full effect. Looking forward to the spring sunshine, thank goodness we have a sample today.
I'm currently listening to the new Britney Spears album (Femme Fatale) it's pretty awesome so far, haven't yet listened to the whole thing.
I have an interview today for a serving job *fingers crossed*

The summer season is fast approaching and this year I have decided to take a stab at making my own clothes/altering pieces to my own design. I will post pictures once I have started. Grungey chic is what I'm sorta going for. Taylor Momsen has a style that I admire. She loves vintage lingerie and old band shirts, she has a good mix of girly & masculine but still sexy (which I hope to achieve). Here's an example: not the best pic but more to come.



I have been listening to the Pretty Reckless alot lately. It blows my mind that Taylor Momsen is only 16! but man can she belt out a tune.
That is all for today. Have a wonderful Wednesday!