jus-tin-case

There is something peaceful and yet fucked up about the thought of me writing this post before I spend the next 2 days in the air and it hitting the web, with me perhaps not hitting the web again myself. Watching Cast Away definitely got me in the mood for some survival if needed during my quest to the other side of the planet. I suppose I write this 'in case' I don't make it for some bizarre reason. SOoo... to whomever is to read this and has heard of my passing somewhere, somehow lol please direct my mother to this blog. She has never seen it and if I were to pass on before her I'd like her to kinda have a view in the rear of my brain. Thanks muchly :)

And know that this just a precaution.

Namaste Friends xo

Crawl.Walk.Jump.Fly.

 “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” – Lao Tzu

   I have to admit I haven't really been myself over the past month. I suppose the anticipation of the travels down under are pulling at my heart strings. I don't know why I feel such anxiety over this when its all I've wanted for years, but it's definitely affecting me. I have sorta gone into robot mode. Just trucking through my time here to get it to go faster or something.. I really wish I had a job these past few weeks to keep my mind on other things, so at least I know that somewhere inside my brain I do want to work.

   Not long ago, someone who was close to me for years passed away. I hadn't seen her in over a year and never really got a chance to clear the air with her before her passing. Regret is an awful feeling. I like to think that she knew deep down that my intentions were always good and that I did love her even if I didn't agree with her beliefs or actions a lot of the time. She did the best she could as a single mom and I do admire her for that. I only wish the best for her family and loved ones. 

   With the bad news I also got a bit of good news this past week. A close friend of mine will be embarking on a enlightening journey. It couldn't have come at a better time in my opinion. Not only is it right before the mayhem of the holidays but it's also been a long wait to get here. I couldn't be more happy for him and I will be by his side every step of the way. 

   Nine days until I take off to the travels of a lifetime. Mixed feelings have set in.

   Namaste Friends xo

Here---There---Everywhere

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset to leave Ontario.. Mostly because I didn't get to see my parents or family as much as I would have liked. Saying good-bye was short and sweet but I definitely shed a few tears once airborne. Being home has left me with mixed emotions. I missed some key people so it was nice to catch up but I have now definitely realized that my journey to full and complete enlightenment must be a solo mission, even if I don't want it to be sometimes. Family (if you're as fortunate as me) will be there forever and will love you unconditionally, no matter what. Friends I'd like to say the same but in the past I haven't been so lucky. I do know I have a solid core of people around me, but some days I do really miss certain individuals that are no longer my friends..

As I've mentioned before in previous posts; having the support of family and friends is crucial with having mental illness or any form of disability for that matter. I feel as though the past year of progress for me wouldn't exist if it wasn't for my parents and close friends - even some people who have no idea they've made a huge impact.. Thank you!

Each day that passes, closer to my trip makes me more and more excited, anxious, curious, intrigued, etc.. I just can't wait for this journey (and my friends wedding) to happen!

Namaste friends xo

As if awkward couldn't get worse

  I find myself on the brink of insanity more often than not. If there were a program to download (an app if you will) to take away past thoughts I'd be first on the list. The more I try to move forward the more I'm reminded of where I come from.. and the lack of where I am going, or not for that matter. Bipolar is a curse I'd never wish on anyone. Each morning is a lottery of misfortune. The more you analyze it the more you get lost in the maze of chaos. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no cease and desist. There is no vacation when dealing with mental illness.. Unless you are self medicating with recreational drugs and/or substance. And they wonder why the majority of the mentally ill are addicts. Its the only way we can be around ourselves. Or others for that matter.

  This whole lack of employment will forever be my crutch. I refuse to give in to the 'Man' and join the mind-numbing work force just because that's what we do.. However somewhere in the back of my cluster fuck of mind I've got the bright idea (still festering mind you) to join the Air Force. Maybe lack of motivation to start my own business (or the fear of failure), or simply the easy way out.. Not that it'd be easy; but being told what to do 24/7 is something I could see being beneficial to a mind that can't hold a thought long enough to follow through. I think this journey home may enlighten me to the possibilities of structure and talking with my uncle may sway my armed forces forecast.

   I have enjoyed my time in YYC but for some reason things just aren't panning out the way I had hoped. I suppose somewhere I believe Calgary is my saving grace, however this time I have gotten in too deep. I have shit in my own backyard and I'm not proud of it. They say we make mistakes to learn from them but when you make the same mistake over and over again.. whats that.. clearly just terrible decision making... faaack.

   I miss my alone time, I miss me. I have transformed into a person I hardly recognize most the time. I continue to truck through but in my opinion that's just not good enough! I want to live passionately, love enormously and have some fuckin' fun! we aren't here for long..

   My rant doesn't even begin to describe the thoughts I have wandering through my 'maze' right now but it'll have to do as I'm 38424 ft above sea level.. Confined to a seat the size of a small prison cell..

   There needs to be some change somewhere -- time to escape the Muskokas and find me once again *fingers crossed*. Happy Thanksgiving all

   Namaste friends xo

organized chaos

I have the tools and resources to fully succeed but somehow, somewhere in my thought process there's a gap. The best way to describe it I suppose is that I am walking down a dark, back alley that gets smaller and tighter the more I walk. I have locked steel doors to either side and no possible way to enter anything. I must keep wandering down the darker now more narrow alleyway. Although, before reaching the alley altogether - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and possibilities are endless. Then it's as if this dark cloud of doubt, fear, angst, anxiety and sadness lead me to the alley where I am doomed to be trapped 'searching' for a way out forever.

The key now, is to not allow the 'dark cloud' to lead me to the 'back alley'. Sounds rather silly when it's worded that way but it's honestly the best reference I can come up with at this time. Even while I write this entry I feel the cloud coming on yet again, it can last for 10 minutes or it can last for 10 days. Because this has been happening for so long and I've sorta figured out how to recognize it now, I'd have to say this 'episode' started last night, around 7pm. Still haven't been able to nail down the trigger but it hasn't dissipated since. I have some ideas what the trigger may be.. work, finances, company around me, missing friends. Either way it's put me in this funk and I'm frustrated!

Talking with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, she informed me of a tool her counselor had introduced to her to try. She referenced the overwhelming feelings, weight of the past and sadness as a cloak. The cloak was something we chose to put on every morning along with our clothing, make up etc.. The advice was to try one morning while in the shower to try and almost literally shed the 'cloak' and to start the day as that day and that day alone. I tried this technique and it surprisingly worked, for a few days even. Today not so much. As my day goes on I am going to keep the 'cloak shedding' in my mind and hopefully it can help my funked out mood.

Hope the rest of you have a better day than I am, Namaste Friends xo