Here---There---Everywhere

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset to leave Ontario.. Mostly because I didn't get to see my parents or family as much as I would have liked. Saying good-bye was short and sweet but I definitely shed a few tears once airborne. Being home has left me with mixed emotions. I missed some key people so it was nice to catch up but I have now definitely realized that my journey to full and complete enlightenment must be a solo mission, even if I don't want it to be sometimes. Family (if you're as fortunate as me) will be there forever and will love you unconditionally, no matter what. Friends I'd like to say the same but in the past I haven't been so lucky. I do know I have a solid core of people around me, but some days I do really miss certain individuals that are no longer my friends..

As I've mentioned before in previous posts; having the support of family and friends is crucial with having mental illness or any form of disability for that matter. I feel as though the past year of progress for me wouldn't exist if it wasn't for my parents and close friends - even some people who have no idea they've made a huge impact.. Thank you!

Each day that passes, closer to my trip makes me more and more excited, anxious, curious, intrigued, etc.. I just can't wait for this journey (and my friends wedding) to happen!

Namaste friends xo

As if awkward couldn't get worse

  I find myself on the brink of insanity more often than not. If there were a program to download (an app if you will) to take away past thoughts I'd be first on the list. The more I try to move forward the more I'm reminded of where I come from.. and the lack of where I am going, or not for that matter. Bipolar is a curse I'd never wish on anyone. Each morning is a lottery of misfortune. The more you analyze it the more you get lost in the maze of chaos. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no cease and desist. There is no vacation when dealing with mental illness.. Unless you are self medicating with recreational drugs and/or substance. And they wonder why the majority of the mentally ill are addicts. Its the only way we can be around ourselves. Or others for that matter.

  This whole lack of employment will forever be my crutch. I refuse to give in to the 'Man' and join the mind-numbing work force just because that's what we do.. However somewhere in the back of my cluster fuck of mind I've got the bright idea (still festering mind you) to join the Air Force. Maybe lack of motivation to start my own business (or the fear of failure), or simply the easy way out.. Not that it'd be easy; but being told what to do 24/7 is something I could see being beneficial to a mind that can't hold a thought long enough to follow through. I think this journey home may enlighten me to the possibilities of structure and talking with my uncle may sway my armed forces forecast.

   I have enjoyed my time in YYC but for some reason things just aren't panning out the way I had hoped. I suppose somewhere I believe Calgary is my saving grace, however this time I have gotten in too deep. I have shit in my own backyard and I'm not proud of it. They say we make mistakes to learn from them but when you make the same mistake over and over again.. whats that.. clearly just terrible decision making... faaack.

   I miss my alone time, I miss me. I have transformed into a person I hardly recognize most the time. I continue to truck through but in my opinion that's just not good enough! I want to live passionately, love enormously and have some fuckin' fun! we aren't here for long..

   My rant doesn't even begin to describe the thoughts I have wandering through my 'maze' right now but it'll have to do as I'm 38424 ft above sea level.. Confined to a seat the size of a small prison cell..

   There needs to be some change somewhere -- time to escape the Muskokas and find me once again *fingers crossed*. Happy Thanksgiving all

   Namaste friends xo

organized chaos

I have the tools and resources to fully succeed but somehow, somewhere in my thought process there's a gap. The best way to describe it I suppose is that I am walking down a dark, back alley that gets smaller and tighter the more I walk. I have locked steel doors to either side and no possible way to enter anything. I must keep wandering down the darker now more narrow alleyway. Although, before reaching the alley altogether - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and possibilities are endless. Then it's as if this dark cloud of doubt, fear, angst, anxiety and sadness lead me to the alley where I am doomed to be trapped 'searching' for a way out forever.

The key now, is to not allow the 'dark cloud' to lead me to the 'back alley'. Sounds rather silly when it's worded that way but it's honestly the best reference I can come up with at this time. Even while I write this entry I feel the cloud coming on yet again, it can last for 10 minutes or it can last for 10 days. Because this has been happening for so long and I've sorta figured out how to recognize it now, I'd have to say this 'episode' started last night, around 7pm. Still haven't been able to nail down the trigger but it hasn't dissipated since. I have some ideas what the trigger may be.. work, finances, company around me, missing friends. Either way it's put me in this funk and I'm frustrated!

Talking with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, she informed me of a tool her counselor had introduced to her to try. She referenced the overwhelming feelings, weight of the past and sadness as a cloak. The cloak was something we chose to put on every morning along with our clothing, make up etc.. The advice was to try one morning while in the shower to try and almost literally shed the 'cloak' and to start the day as that day and that day alone. I tried this technique and it surprisingly worked, for a few days even. Today not so much. As my day goes on I am going to keep the 'cloak shedding' in my mind and hopefully it can help my funked out mood.

Hope the rest of you have a better day than I am, Namaste Friends xo

dancing between raindrops

  My body aches more today than it has in a long time. I haven't been able to wake up lately close to refreshed or comfortable. I'm attributing that to the constant house/bed shifts in the past few months, I sure hope my body adjusts soon - or it's only going to get much worse while backpacking. The added pain isn't helping with my moods either.. One minute I'm fine the next I'm grouchy or on the verge of tears for little to no reason. More self investigation is needed.
  Lately, I have found I am being able to turn off certain thoughts in my brain which is a huge relief. However it may be temporary, so I won't get my hopes up just yet. One thought process I've been able to dissolve almost entirely is the constant feeling of friends judging me or not being happy with me. I used to dwell on it for hours a day without being able to stop the loop. Here's hoping if I've been able to gear down this channel I may be alter the rest somehow.
  Surrounding myself with great, solid people have been key to my 'recovery' (I don't really like to use that word for mental illness, so let's go with 'transformation' for now instead). Being around children more has surprisingly helped me as well. If you know me, you know I am not a kid person - never have been and thought I never would be but as of late I have been embracing all that is love, and children ooze it. Along with kiddies, I've been trying to spend more time with animals and nature and on the whole its been doing wonders for my imagination and creativity. Even if such hasn't hit paper yet - the motive is there and that's good enough for me coach.
  In the short time I've been writing this post the rain has dissipated, the sun has come out and is dancing all over the window - as if mother nature knew I needed a happy boost :) I think I'll take this as a sign and run with it!
Namaste friends xo

Wheels in motion... to travel over the ocean

  Not sure where to start as quite a bit has changed from over a year ago. I guess I shall start with the latest as that's the most important in my eyes.. To be literal, I sit on my perch with my weapon in my hand. The internet has been a solace for me for some time, but has also crept in lately as a villain. They say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I find this equally relevant for evil.. I swear I am an optimist however challenging my own thoughts and opinions is what makes life interesting, no?
  The availability of everything and anything (yet nothing all at the same time) on the internet is dumbfounding. And I doubt I'm alone here when I find myself in a continuous loop of the same 'information'/ 'newsfeeds'/ websites etc. I need out of this box... So I decided that instead of reading about other people/ things most of the time I am going to log my own adventures, mishaps, opportunities, knowledge, dreams and experiences. I want to have an outlet to encourage other people to step outside of THEIR box and try something new too!
  If you've read any of my previous entries or are a close friend of mine you know that I struggle with mental illness and have for most of my life. I have decided to open up about this affecting my daily life; not only for me but for others who suffer from any sort of mental illness, and also for family and friends affected by it as well.
  Over the past year and half I have encountered many occasions where mental illness has been a prominent aspect of my life but absolutely not always in a negative way. I plan on logging some of my past experiences but want to focus on here and now.
  I am travelling the globe, with the wind at my back and an open heart & mind as my sail. I have so much love to give now that darkness has subsided. Namaste friends xo