To leave or not to leave, that is the question...

So the consensus while in Surfers Paradise is that 98% of the travelers I talked to were expecting more. Perhaps that's the mindset that we all venture off with; is that there really is a paradise out there that is 'hidden' from the tribulations of everyday life. But in reality there truly isn't.
Paradise is an internal thing, it's all about where you find yourself the most confident and the most whole as a person. Traveling to find such a thing could take years when the entire time its been within yourself.
When talking with some British girls the harsh reality of how I felt came through them. They were over the fact that there is no work and that Australia is hot, beautiful and full of hot beach boys. They were ready to head home but had continued the struggle of living out of a suitcase in fear of what others back home would think. That admitting defeat would somehow make them weak to friends and family. When in the great scheme of things the ones that love us most just want whats best for us and if that means going back to who we know and what we know, then so be it.

I find I have hit some road block of frustrations. All of which could be manifested by the fact that I just don't feel comfortable or entitled to have a months long vacation (or even more if I keep going). I have been trying to find work but to no avail. I have also tried going to another part of the country, but also to no avail. I don't know if it's the holidays messing with my head but I'm just about ready to go home. Cold weather and all...

Namaste friends xo

"sharing is caring and caring is fun"

There comes a point in everyones lives where the bullshit just turns into white noise. The more you are told what you can and cant do the more you clash. From my experience anyways.. I can only ever talk for myself.
I have been open with everyone in my life about my mental health and the fact that I'm adopted and to some that has made relationships a lot closer and meaningful, and sadly to others its been the reason I'm no longer allowed to be apart of their lives. I am not ashamed of my past - sure sometimes I wish I didn't do some of things I did or that some of the experiences I was witness and/or victim to didn't happen. But each one of those things happened to make me who I am today - so ultimately it was meant to happen. I have lost a few really important people in the past two years and it saddens me that they couldn't ultimately love me for me. I am comfortable in my own skin, no matter what I happen to do to it that day. I have also had positive feed back in regards to being an open book. I suppose the honesty I share about my own life makes it easier for others to talk about theirs.
With losing friends I have also gained some amazing people in my life that I wouldn't exchange for anything. And have had more time to get to know those whom were already apart of my life to a deeper degree. I am so very blessed to be where I am right now, physically and mentally. Never would I have thought a year ago that I'd be able to travel independently and still have an awesome time. I was also counting down the days for the next 'big thing' and now I'm soaking up everything I can while I can.
Deep down I'd think that everyone would like to have a partner in crime to share the ups and downs with while traveling and I do to a certain degree but its also something else to be able to handle it on your own. I am going to try and stay offline for the next little while so I can fully emerge myself into the moment and culture of where I am with no distractions.
I'd have to say that I am truly happy and I guess it took me to travel to the other side of the world to fully realize that.

Namaste friends xo

flying-high

The secret to life is the smell of adventure.

To whatever degree - we all are raffishly hungry for some form of abnormality. And if you're not there is something severely wrong (from personal experience anyways..).

Flying over the clouds is an incredibly liberating feeling - especially after the past couple years I've had.. That's ultimately led me here 'flying high' over the pacific. Thank you karma, Ora, 'god'.

Namaste friends xo

jus-tin-case

There is something peaceful and yet fucked up about the thought of me writing this post before I spend the next 2 days in the air and it hitting the web, with me perhaps not hitting the web again myself. Watching Cast Away definitely got me in the mood for some survival if needed during my quest to the other side of the planet. I suppose I write this 'in case' I don't make it for some bizarre reason. SOoo... to whomever is to read this and has heard of my passing somewhere, somehow lol please direct my mother to this blog. She has never seen it and if I were to pass on before her I'd like her to kinda have a view in the rear of my brain. Thanks muchly :)

And know that this just a precaution.

Namaste Friends xo

Crawl.Walk.Jump.Fly.

 “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” – Lao Tzu

   I have to admit I haven't really been myself over the past month. I suppose the anticipation of the travels down under are pulling at my heart strings. I don't know why I feel such anxiety over this when its all I've wanted for years, but it's definitely affecting me. I have sorta gone into robot mode. Just trucking through my time here to get it to go faster or something.. I really wish I had a job these past few weeks to keep my mind on other things, so at least I know that somewhere inside my brain I do want to work.

   Not long ago, someone who was close to me for years passed away. I hadn't seen her in over a year and never really got a chance to clear the air with her before her passing. Regret is an awful feeling. I like to think that she knew deep down that my intentions were always good and that I did love her even if I didn't agree with her beliefs or actions a lot of the time. She did the best she could as a single mom and I do admire her for that. I only wish the best for her family and loved ones. 

   With the bad news I also got a bit of good news this past week. A close friend of mine will be embarking on a enlightening journey. It couldn't have come at a better time in my opinion. Not only is it right before the mayhem of the holidays but it's also been a long wait to get here. I couldn't be more happy for him and I will be by his side every step of the way. 

   Nine days until I take off to the travels of a lifetime. Mixed feelings have set in.

   Namaste Friends xo

Here---There---Everywhere

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset to leave Ontario.. Mostly because I didn't get to see my parents or family as much as I would have liked. Saying good-bye was short and sweet but I definitely shed a few tears once airborne. Being home has left me with mixed emotions. I missed some key people so it was nice to catch up but I have now definitely realized that my journey to full and complete enlightenment must be a solo mission, even if I don't want it to be sometimes. Family (if you're as fortunate as me) will be there forever and will love you unconditionally, no matter what. Friends I'd like to say the same but in the past I haven't been so lucky. I do know I have a solid core of people around me, but some days I do really miss certain individuals that are no longer my friends..

As I've mentioned before in previous posts; having the support of family and friends is crucial with having mental illness or any form of disability for that matter. I feel as though the past year of progress for me wouldn't exist if it wasn't for my parents and close friends - even some people who have no idea they've made a huge impact.. Thank you!

Each day that passes, closer to my trip makes me more and more excited, anxious, curious, intrigued, etc.. I just can't wait for this journey (and my friends wedding) to happen!

Namaste friends xo

As if awkward couldn't get worse

  I find myself on the brink of insanity more often than not. If there were a program to download (an app if you will) to take away past thoughts I'd be first on the list. The more I try to move forward the more I'm reminded of where I come from.. and the lack of where I am going, or not for that matter. Bipolar is a curse I'd never wish on anyone. Each morning is a lottery of misfortune. The more you analyze it the more you get lost in the maze of chaos. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no cease and desist. There is no vacation when dealing with mental illness.. Unless you are self medicating with recreational drugs and/or substance. And they wonder why the majority of the mentally ill are addicts. Its the only way we can be around ourselves. Or others for that matter.

  This whole lack of employment will forever be my crutch. I refuse to give in to the 'Man' and join the mind-numbing work force just because that's what we do.. However somewhere in the back of my cluster fuck of mind I've got the bright idea (still festering mind you) to join the Air Force. Maybe lack of motivation to start my own business (or the fear of failure), or simply the easy way out.. Not that it'd be easy; but being told what to do 24/7 is something I could see being beneficial to a mind that can't hold a thought long enough to follow through. I think this journey home may enlighten me to the possibilities of structure and talking with my uncle may sway my armed forces forecast.

   I have enjoyed my time in YYC but for some reason things just aren't panning out the way I had hoped. I suppose somewhere I believe Calgary is my saving grace, however this time I have gotten in too deep. I have shit in my own backyard and I'm not proud of it. They say we make mistakes to learn from them but when you make the same mistake over and over again.. whats that.. clearly just terrible decision making... faaack.

   I miss my alone time, I miss me. I have transformed into a person I hardly recognize most the time. I continue to truck through but in my opinion that's just not good enough! I want to live passionately, love enormously and have some fuckin' fun! we aren't here for long..

   My rant doesn't even begin to describe the thoughts I have wandering through my 'maze' right now but it'll have to do as I'm 38424 ft above sea level.. Confined to a seat the size of a small prison cell..

   There needs to be some change somewhere -- time to escape the Muskokas and find me once again *fingers crossed*. Happy Thanksgiving all

   Namaste friends xo

organized chaos

I have the tools and resources to fully succeed but somehow, somewhere in my thought process there's a gap. The best way to describe it I suppose is that I am walking down a dark, back alley that gets smaller and tighter the more I walk. I have locked steel doors to either side and no possible way to enter anything. I must keep wandering down the darker now more narrow alleyway. Although, before reaching the alley altogether - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and possibilities are endless. Then it's as if this dark cloud of doubt, fear, angst, anxiety and sadness lead me to the alley where I am doomed to be trapped 'searching' for a way out forever.

The key now, is to not allow the 'dark cloud' to lead me to the 'back alley'. Sounds rather silly when it's worded that way but it's honestly the best reference I can come up with at this time. Even while I write this entry I feel the cloud coming on yet again, it can last for 10 minutes or it can last for 10 days. Because this has been happening for so long and I've sorta figured out how to recognize it now, I'd have to say this 'episode' started last night, around 7pm. Still haven't been able to nail down the trigger but it hasn't dissipated since. I have some ideas what the trigger may be.. work, finances, company around me, missing friends. Either way it's put me in this funk and I'm frustrated!

Talking with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, she informed me of a tool her counselor had introduced to her to try. She referenced the overwhelming feelings, weight of the past and sadness as a cloak. The cloak was something we chose to put on every morning along with our clothing, make up etc.. The advice was to try one morning while in the shower to try and almost literally shed the 'cloak' and to start the day as that day and that day alone. I tried this technique and it surprisingly worked, for a few days even. Today not so much. As my day goes on I am going to keep the 'cloak shedding' in my mind and hopefully it can help my funked out mood.

Hope the rest of you have a better day than I am, Namaste Friends xo

dancing between raindrops

  My body aches more today than it has in a long time. I haven't been able to wake up lately close to refreshed or comfortable. I'm attributing that to the constant house/bed shifts in the past few months, I sure hope my body adjusts soon - or it's only going to get much worse while backpacking. The added pain isn't helping with my moods either.. One minute I'm fine the next I'm grouchy or on the verge of tears for little to no reason. More self investigation is needed.
  Lately, I have found I am being able to turn off certain thoughts in my brain which is a huge relief. However it may be temporary, so I won't get my hopes up just yet. One thought process I've been able to dissolve almost entirely is the constant feeling of friends judging me or not being happy with me. I used to dwell on it for hours a day without being able to stop the loop. Here's hoping if I've been able to gear down this channel I may be alter the rest somehow.
  Surrounding myself with great, solid people have been key to my 'recovery' (I don't really like to use that word for mental illness, so let's go with 'transformation' for now instead). Being around children more has surprisingly helped me as well. If you know me, you know I am not a kid person - never have been and thought I never would be but as of late I have been embracing all that is love, and children ooze it. Along with kiddies, I've been trying to spend more time with animals and nature and on the whole its been doing wonders for my imagination and creativity. Even if such hasn't hit paper yet - the motive is there and that's good enough for me coach.
  In the short time I've been writing this post the rain has dissipated, the sun has come out and is dancing all over the window - as if mother nature knew I needed a happy boost :) I think I'll take this as a sign and run with it!
Namaste friends xo

Wheels in motion... to travel over the ocean

  Not sure where to start as quite a bit has changed from over a year ago. I guess I shall start with the latest as that's the most important in my eyes.. To be literal, I sit on my perch with my weapon in my hand. The internet has been a solace for me for some time, but has also crept in lately as a villain. They say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I find this equally relevant for evil.. I swear I am an optimist however challenging my own thoughts and opinions is what makes life interesting, no?
  The availability of everything and anything (yet nothing all at the same time) on the internet is dumbfounding. And I doubt I'm alone here when I find myself in a continuous loop of the same 'information'/ 'newsfeeds'/ websites etc. I need out of this box... So I decided that instead of reading about other people/ things most of the time I am going to log my own adventures, mishaps, opportunities, knowledge, dreams and experiences. I want to have an outlet to encourage other people to step outside of THEIR box and try something new too!
  If you've read any of my previous entries or are a close friend of mine you know that I struggle with mental illness and have for most of my life. I have decided to open up about this affecting my daily life; not only for me but for others who suffer from any sort of mental illness, and also for family and friends affected by it as well.
  Over the past year and half I have encountered many occasions where mental illness has been a prominent aspect of my life but absolutely not always in a negative way. I plan on logging some of my past experiences but want to focus on here and now.
  I am travelling the globe, with the wind at my back and an open heart & mind as my sail. I have so much love to give now that darkness has subsided. Namaste friends xo

Gravity

Today has been an odd day for me. Starting with the dream I had.. I was at a concert, my seats were in the nose bleeds and as I was walking to them I was pulled forward to where I was on the verge of falling towards the stage. The floor went to such a steep angle that I was holding on for dear life. I was then in some obstacle course outdoors at a swimming pool, the object of the course was to jump from kayak to kayak without falling in the water. Every time I hit kayak no.2 I couldn't stand up due to some crazy force of gravity. I'm unsure why all of my dreams lately (now that I'm thinking about it) have had some intense form of gravity, whether it being unable to stand up straight or holding on as I'm dangling in some other direction. But its rather odd..
Gravity in the dream dictionary: To feel gravity in your dream, represents the weight and pressure you feel on you. You are feeling overwhelmed. Problems, work or stress is literally weighing you down.
Kayak: To see a kayak or go kayaking in your dream, indicates that you are emotionally well balanced. You are in tune with your feelings. Alternatively, the dream means that you are succeeding through your own willpower, determination and drive.
I have definitely hit a fork in the road as of late and I am trying to figure out the best path for me now and for my future. I know I have the drive to succeed but I tend to also be my own worst enemy at times so hopefully I make the right choices...

I think that's all for now. Just feelin' a bit off today I guess.

(Dream info from: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/g.htm)

Almost the end of the this crazy March madness.. I'm not sure why but this year it has taken full effect. Looking forward to the spring sunshine, thank goodness we have a sample today.
I'm currently listening to the new Britney Spears album (Femme Fatale) it's pretty awesome so far, haven't yet listened to the whole thing.
I have an interview today for a serving job *fingers crossed*

The summer season is fast approaching and this year I have decided to take a stab at making my own clothes/altering pieces to my own design. I will post pictures once I have started. Grungey chic is what I'm sorta going for. Taylor Momsen has a style that I admire. She loves vintage lingerie and old band shirts, she has a good mix of girly & masculine but still sexy (which I hope to achieve). Here's an example: not the best pic but more to come.



I have been listening to the Pretty Reckless alot lately. It blows my mind that Taylor Momsen is only 16! but man can she belt out a tune.
That is all for today. Have a wonderful Wednesday!

-2011-

Bonjourno 2011! I have returned from re-blog-linquish to embark on not just a blog but also personal experiment t0 enlightenment. I have done more than enough 'soul searching' in the past 14 months (from injury etc). Enough so, that I'm busting at the proverbial brain seams with too many ridiculously awesome, obnoxious and crazy thoughts I have to hide somewhere (for all to see).

As most lives do, mine has changed a lot since my last post. I have now moved out of Cambridge and am truly enjoying the relocate to Guelph. It's surprising how much different the two cities are being so close to one another. I appreciate the culture Guelph has and try to soak it up as much as I can. I'm looking forward to the summer, as I moved in to Guelph after Labour Day and have not yet experienced the festivals or shows.
I have also tried to get back on the employment horse. Unfortunately nothing has stuck longer than a few months. The market hasn't been the greatest but when has it ever been (for me). I have come to realize I must get back to school ASAP in order to come anywhere near content with my job/salary..
I have been wrestling the creative gods for the past few months badly. The daily running of my life has left little to no room for the innovative juices to get flowing so I am going to start making time for them and me to grow.. I feel quite zombiefied by the way our lives are always turning to a device (for everything).

I am partaking in a 31 day challenge to try and fight some doughy, sugary demons and hopefully lose a few pounds in the process. I have decided to cut Coca Cola, pizza and beer out of my diet for the entire month of March. This will absolutely be a challenge for me, however I need this! I need to get my butt in shape (quite literally) and would love to feel great in summer clothes (and all around the board). No green beer for me this year!
I've decided to start eating healthier all together, I am trying out new recipes and gaining confidence in the kitchen. I used to be the box-bought-vegetarian, and let's be honest how does that even begin to make sense?! I am making a conscience effort to eat new things and try out ingredients I would normally have tried to avoid. (links to recipes definitely welcome and will be shared).

I am going to leave you with a song that has never left my heart, even if the girl that introduced me to it did...



"If thinking is like perceiving, it must be either a process in which the soul is acted upon by what is capable of being thought, or a process different from but analogous to that. The thinking part of the soul must therefore be, while impassable, capable of receiving the form of an object; that is, must be potentially identical in character with its object without being the object. Mind must be related to what is thinkable, as sense is to what is sensible." - Aristotle

Spinning

My mind is all over the place. I fear the stress has now piled up too much and I feel as though I may lose my cool. There's not enough meditation that can get me out of the box that's trapped my head. I have spent the morning cleaning, doing yard work, going for a walk, painting and its only just hit noon. I haven't heard back from any job possibilities and I'm getting overwhelmed with being thrown into the deep end of working full time again after being off for so long.. I am also trying to quit smoking, its honestly taking an emotional toll on me. I never thought it'd be so hard. Those are my main 2 stressers right now.. There are probably about 40 other smaller things that I could go on about for days but I'm going to save you that half hour of your life in reading my bitching.
I am extremely lucky to have my friends and family for support and I appreciate them everyday. I have my health now and I am super fortunate to be able to walk again and be almost back to 100%. I am still struggling with E.I. and I am preparing a letter to send to my MP because waiting for over 6 months now is frankly ridicules.
My message to leave you with today is: "You can start with nothing .. and out of nothing or no way - a WAY will be provided."

make it or break it

Today is a very important day. I've been waiting for over a year for this afternoon's driving test. I'm super nervous but I have faith that karma knows I need and deserve my license. After all these years of inconvenience I'd be delighted to have the freedom I oh so wildly crave.

Yesterday was the deadline for my E.I. claim and still nothing! I called yesterday morning first thing and again today and still no resolution! This has probably been hands down the most frustrating part of this whole ordeal. I can't pay for my physio bills without this chuck of coin that I am entitled to. I'm annoyed that I've done everything on my part before any of their deadlines but when it comes to their own deadline they dance around the point. If I don't know by Friday I think my head may explode.

This past weekend was a blast. Spent Friday night with some great friends playing games (hahaha yes games) and spent Saturday night in Guelph with 2 of my most beautiful girlfriends. The occasion that brought us together was a small bacherolette shin-dig for Denise whose getting married on June 19th. We danced up and down the streets and hit up a few bars and clubs. The downer of the night however, was when I took a huge face plant into the sidewalk. My bad ankle gave out and I lost my balance to find myself face first on the ground :( my wee little chin is now all scabby and I really hope it doesn't scar. I think I'm near soon to living in a bubble for protection. I think I am the clumsiest person I've ever met! The knee tho IS getting better and I am officially on the quicker mend. As of last week I have dropped the cane, and have only had to use it a couple times since.

Now I am off to continue practicing for this afternoon, wish me luck :)

Also check this out: *picture courtesy of Shannon Gerard.

Sword of My Mouth, a new graphic novel by Jim Munroe and Shannon Gerard. Toronto launch party May 6, 7pm, Tequila Bookworm (Queen Street West at Portland).

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?profile=1&id=628890108#!/event.php?eid=120008201349802&ref=mf

interesting things are brewin'

I have just joined a website that may enable me to make a few extra bucks for blogging. Hey, anything and everything I have to do to pay my bills at this point I will take (definitely within reason lol) I figure I blog anyway, perhaps this will actually work and I can share my story at the same time. -S xox

iN PaiN

I've woken up with the weirdest pain in my knee. This is definitely a new pain, that has yet to embark upon my withered limb. As I rolled out of bed and stood up the back of my knee cap and knee locked and pinched. I had to sit back down and rearrange the way I must have stood. As I stood again the pain was even worse. I now sit with frozen peas on my knee for yet another beautiful, sunny morning.

Now having a day to really stew over the result of calling E.I. yesterday, I am worried. I have now retro dated my claim to the date of injury (as advised by the gentleman on the phone) and I am concerned that they may cause a stink because that isn't in my original claim. Oh man, it's all very confusing and frustrating... I just hope I get the money I need for my bills.

On a lighter note, I had a wonderful day yesterday. I am really starting to enjoy this weather, even if I can't play tennis or go for a run or go on bike rides or go for hikes.. I love that I can sit outside and instantly feel deviant and enlightened. I wish I had my camera and sunglasses that I forgot in Edmonton. I feel as though I have tons to say but finding the words each time isn't justification to the means - I need a camera to capture that. Perhaps I shall take my 1980's Minolta in for some repairs :)

The Results R In!

About a week ago I got the official results from my MRI and I'd be lying if I said I was satisfied.. the results read: "A knee effusion is noted. The medial and lateral menisci appear intact. The anterior cruciate ligament, posterior cruciate ligament, medial collateral ligament and the lateral ligamentous complex appear unremarkable. Mild chondromalacia patella is noted. Mild bone bruise is also noted along the medial aspect of the medial femoral condyle and also along the posterior aspect of the midline of the tibial plateau."

In english it says that there is no tear to the ACL or MCL (which could have healed in the time I waited for the MRI). Mild bone bruise along the inside of the knee and inside underneath the knee cap. Mild strain on cartilage under the knee cap. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chondromalacia_patellae

http://www.beliefnet.com/healthandhealing/images/exh4956b.jpg

http://chicopmr.org/pain/images/knee-compartments.jpg

The positives from these results are that I don't have a tear to either the ACL or MCL. I don't need surgery anymore. Physio is helping the problems and recovery time should increase rapidly once my thigh muscle starts to get bigger (and once pain is little to none).

The down side is that bone bruises can take a number of months to heal, and I have more than one. The knee is still locking and the cartilage is damaged. I still have a lot of pain BUT not all of the time.

So, the journey continues... I am still in physio once a week. I would go twice but I cannot afford to anymore so I make sure to keep up with my exercises daily. The nightmare of E.I. is still going to be awhile and man is it ever driving me nuts! I honestly hope this never happens to me again or that I'd ever have to deal with Employment Insurance again because its shit! I spent 2 hours yesterday on the phone with them and that's just one of the many many days I've had to deal with this crap. I have alot on my plate as far as trying to find money for the bills that are piling up in front of me goes.. It's stressing me right out.. but gotta stay positive - things will work out.

Throughout this whole process of recovery and metamorphosis I couldn't have stayed as strong without the support of great friends and family. I don't even want to think of where I'd be if I didn't have all the wonderful people in my life. I am extremely grateful xoxox

image borrowed from: https://meded-portal.ucsd.edu/isp/2006/knee/images/Knee4.jpg

WD-40

I had originally envisioned me being able to blog everyday, however I have been tied down with paperwork, appointments and painting so I'm afraid I haven't been able to update regularly. I have definitely made some progress with my knee. The movement of the joint is loosening up and I can almost straighten my knee but not without allot of pain. I have been doing my daily exercises and I find it helps. I now have more of a dull pain in the back of the knee cap so I imagine there is some extensive damage to the ACL and quite possibly the cartilage. I have been floating the idea around of getting corporate sponsorship for my recovery. I am finding the physio is a huge help, however it is expensive and have a bill for February that I am still struggling to pay. I attend physio twice a week for a half hour each time. I get ultrasound to break up the damaged tissue and to ease the blood flow through the knee. I also attempt at riding the mechanical bike - I am yet to make a full rotation but I know its coming! I then have the physiotherapist work my knee to loosen the joint and as I mentioned before can almost straighten it. This process is very painful and often leaves me breathless.
I realize that finding a sponsor(s) for my recovery is a long shot but I figure it's 2010! anything IS possible! I am composing a letter to submit to all of the companies I buy from most often. If anyone has any insight as to ways of going about this endeavour please feel free to voice them. "Positive thoughts equals positive results."

Just in time

The fall I endured on my way to work that chilly Tuesday morning has changed everything from the way I brush my teeth to where I lay my head at night. The reality is that returning to Ontario was the best idea since I was now on crutches and barely grasping to the last few dollars I had to survive, let alone pay for taxi's and appointments. As much as the guilty feeling of defeat swirled in my stomach I knew I had to do what was needed in order to return to 'normal daily life' as soon as possible. Little to my knowledge the wait for an MRI in Ontario would be way longer than expected and the pricey road to recovery had only begun...